4th of July.

My favorite holiday.. But I'm sitting here alone, looking at cell phone prices.

Why?
My family is a wreck.
My best friend found some other friends.
'Girl' is out w/family, and I'm stuck here.
Not really close enough with anyone else.

Lonely.

When did this blog turn from a constant stream of photographs to a whiney place for me to come and steam? I'm so frustrated. I want to fix everything, but there's nothing I can do.

I Feel It

So this girl just doesn't seem to understand where my heart is. She thinks that the only real solution would be to stop talking to me.. which would not help at all. It would crush me.

But I can feel something coming. She's leaving for college soon. And I know how it will work. She's a knockout, this girl. So some guy will come up, and even if she sees that he is interested, it will be no big deal. Because there's no other commitment or guy that will be holding her up. And I will say nothing about it, because I don't like upsetting her if I can restrain myself from speaking.

So anyways, this guy will be friends, and eventually they will grow closer and closer, her seeing no problem with it. Until, before she realizes it, she's fallen for him. And then she will come to me and say, "Caleb, I met someone."
And what can I say to that? Nothing!
She will be a few hundred miles away, going to college. She doesn't need me. So what will there be to stop her?

Of course, this happening will completely split us apart. Because it would be completely inappropriate for me to hold any type of contact with her thinking about her the way that I do. Leaving me alone and broken.

So it looks like I've gotten myself into a lose-lose situation. Awesome.

Tonight I feel completely, entirely alone.

My Pizza Has a Progress Bar

'nuff said.

Obvious

There's still something there.
It hasn't been very long, but just from the way she acts during the short times that she is able to relax, the short times she isn't afraid that I will smash her heart, I can tell. These short 30 second windows mean a lot to me.

At breakfast today, she opened up and shared an event that she cared about with me. I couldn't keep myself from smiling as I listened along. Her being excited for someone else that she cared about. One of the things that has been hardest on me through this has been losing touch with her. Not knowing what was/is going on in her life. The things influencing her and helping to form how she grows into an adult. I was so excited when she started talking. She thought I was laughing at her.. That was a bit of a buzz-kill. But the joy was still there. :)

I'm so afraid that it will be five, seven years from now (maybe longer), and we will look each other up. That's five or seven years in our short lives on this Earth that we could have enjoyed together instead of doing some little dance. "This makes me uncomfortable. Stop" "Don't worry so much"
It's making her uncomfortable that I'm worried about, and in just in these short few days I feel like I'm walking on egg shells unsuccessfully trying to make her happy.

I want to enjoy time with her. To spend it relaxed, loosened up. I'm afraid that will become less and less of an option as time goes on, and that we will become more and more strangers.

I guess I should be expecting some sort of serious conversation from this very soon now. Probably just another "Don't do this, it makes me uncomfortable." Or maybe even an, "I can't do this." Sigh.