Paroxysm

My heart is feeling a bit pained tonight, and I'm not sure why.

Well, I know exactly why. It's everything about it that I don't know.

I was rude to her again. She put up something to do with me, and deep down I had hoped that it was for a pleasant reason. Maybe she saw a positive change in my outlook or something. But she flattened that notion before I had even noticed that it sprung. So yes, I felt the initial foolishness of having something of such importance to my heart squandered to a simplistic viewpoint. But maybe something beyond that encouraged such a blunt, sudden end to what could have been a lovely conversation.

I don't see how any other emotion, sensation, or notion could come anywhere close to the different states of heart and mind I have been through with this girl. I have accepted the end.

But I accept the end in much the same manner that I accept one of two states; it's either she lives miserably for the duration of her or my days, or I show no real regard. Much like, "You've lost everything, what else do you have to lose?"

So I've sided with the latter. 

In all honesty, I could never put her through everything stacked against the whimsical fantasy of there being an, 'Us.' First of all there's her parents which are most certainly disappointed in me. I'm no substance for their daughter in the sense of a suitor. Second of all, there's all the scarring that I've created in her. I was her first boyfriend. Granted we were both naive four years ago, but I've left a sour sensation in her heart, and I fear the damage my senseless actions could have on her future relationships. Third, there's the distance. She has plans to make Boston her current residence. She has purpose, direction, and goals. I have those in the broadest sense, having no idea how I'll get from 2011 to 2014. No idea. And that's scary enough when I've only got myself to worry about. Fourth there's the issue of my mother. I don't think that she'll ever have a positive outlook on this girl no matter how my heart feels.

Despite all of that, there's still something foolish in me. I still refresh her blogs four times a day even though I know that she's currently without internet access. I still physically smile or laugh when we have a text chat over the internet. All while expecting nothing. It's slightly refreshing.

Maybe it's that blasted key that I keep with me. Maybe there's some spell it has over me. 

If only there was just some way that I could fix all of these things. Some magic beans, or some ten rigorous ten year boot camp thing. Either would be great. But that's not how the real world works, apparently. So I've no option but accept.