Everybody's Gotta Die Sometime

I've seen the error of my ways. 

Unfortunately I'm the error of hers.

Two years will be a long time, but I'm glad for it. 

I'll be glad to give up the reigns on control of my life. I'm so tired of trying to do what's best and being overwhelmed, followed by loss of logical control.

Hopefully I can forget she exists in two years so this stops affecting me. I know I won't forget though. 

"I'd prefer a blowjob, but I'll settle for a beer."

These are the words a gentleman chooses to represent himself. I know nothing of how they're associated, to what depth. I only know that he hasn't had to fight for the privilege of a few chats. This tells me that my treatment of her was worse than simply representing myself with such vulgarity.

Everything in me wants to give up, and this school will allow me to do that without ruining my life. I can simply settle in to the routine of going to class every day, and droning away my time in the gym. That's what I need. I can't try anymore when my efforts are met with her narcissistic scorn. 

If I knew of anything I could do to have this turn out any other way I'd jump on it. 

Unfortunately, no matter what efforts I put into treating her better it doesn't matter. She's too scarred by the past.

Degrading my morals offers no sense of comfort.

Changing my sorrow to prideful anger only increases the pain.

So what am I left with but to completely give up?

Maybe since I can only subdue the pain by completely exhausting myself on something, I'll move forward professionally. I'll be "successful," though I really don't care much for it.

Increasing the quality of life for those you love is where happiness comes from.

I'm about to go surrogate. I'll be here, but my heart will not be. 

Erica, 

I'm sorry for everything. I'm sorry for the ways that I hurt you before. For the yelling, the disrespect, the control. I'm sorry for how I've exceeded your expectations now and still hurt you. 

I'll admit that in the past, I had intent to case emotional pain out of spite. That's what brought us to an end, even. It wasn't really a conscious thought process,  but more of a silent motivator. 

I'm sorry for the times I lost control in anger and said things that I can't erase. I'm sorry for how I violated you physically, capitalizing on your infatuation. I'm sorry for how I disrespected you as a person, by doing this repeatedly and by not trusting your own judgement. There's no excuse for it.

I'm sorry for not considering you in my actions after it was over. I still love you, and I shouldn't have acted otherwise. Though you broke associations with me, it wasn't right for me to do things that I knew would cause you pain. I knew there was still something with you, though I've yet to come to an understanding.

I'm not sure if you'll be able to reach me over the next two years, but you're welcome to try. I pledge my complete motivation and effort in trying to not only meet your needs and expectations as a suitor, but to exceed them. 

Unfortunately the only thing that I am able to give you right now is an, 'I'm sorry.' I wish that I knew what more to do.

To all of the other readers that have grazed this blog over the past four years, and to Erica, goodbye.

I'm leaving everything I know on the 29th of August, 2011.

I hope everyone accomplishes great things over the next two years.