In the Mind of a 20 Year Old Photographer

If Anyone Loves Me

2011-10-11T23:36:00.003-04:00

Please do this for me.

I wish I were

2011-10-10T16:50:00.001-04:00

a tree stump.

Forgetting You're Gone

2011-10-03T10:33:00.001-04:00

I dreamt last night.
It was so vivid.
I was on a school bus. I was oblivious to what was outside the windows.
Sitting in front of me was some girl and she had a jar that she was showing everyone. Inside the jar was a fascinating, endangered creature. Some type of aquatic or insect life, not sure. Very deep colors on it, and the jar was filled with some hazy liquid, so the creature was only visible when you had the jar at the right angle. Much like looking through a diamond.

She offers it to me as a gift. I accept, and contently stare at my new companion. Then some other dude gets angry after a while or something, and breaks the jar. I try to save the creature but it dies. I freak out on the guy and throw him out of the bus, and turn around very sad about the death of my companion. Then I see a glimpse of her on the back of the bus. It's the girl from my past. Why is she here? I slowly walk towards her. I see her face and she's crying. Not like something just upset her, but like she's been crying for a long time. I can't describe the emotions that were running through me at this point. She slowly stands up, and we embrace. The tears slowly come to a stop, and no words are exchanged. The bus is suddenly empty except for her and me, it's dark out. I walk up to the front of the bus and start driving. I look back at her and we smile at each other, then an alarm goes off. I wake up. Turn off alarm. Wtf.

Dreams like this are the worst, because for a few moments I forget that we were ever apart. Then I wake up and my heart is where that dream was, and almost immediately starts to give me a problem about where I've gotten myself in reality.

Let's Put Ourselves in Each Other's Shoes.

2011-09-19T21:58:00.002-04:00

Pretty much the same as flying a kite.

Guarding your heart?

2011-08-23T05:52:00.002-04:00

A very inward-directed note, relfecting upon my own life.

Guarding the heart. A historical phrase through life, one that goes without mastering.

Difficulty generated from this task is met only by the rewards obtained.

Primary purpose from this task is to avoid difficulty, otherwise experienced as pain. Pain so severe, so real, that it may be the most intense known. Pain with purpose, however.

Understanding this requires delving into the source; the greater joy preceeding it. A heart guarded is robbed of this joy. This should not be misinterpreted for abusive connections, brooding or anything similar in abhorrence.

Consider a bruised apple. Sever bruise from the whole and the apple is just as fulfilling without that small part. An apple covered in bruising must be cored, obtaining the seeds and reaping a tree endless with fresh apples. More hardship is endured this way however the benefits far outweigh those of searching for a perfect, ripe apple.

When you receive an apple that is rotten to the core-- leave it. There is no nourishment from thatabhorrence.

As intricate a synonym that is, it lies in line perfectly with what is observed.

Just as when a fellow being is observed with perfectly good 'seeds in their core,' there lies no point in leaving but fear itself. From fear stems doubt, worry, unease, caution. Finding what a person stands for (what seeds lie within) lies at the stem of simplicity. For what a person truly stands for, they shy from the least. The rest are a series of misenterpreted actions, with previous experiences being the influence.

When asked to guard one's heart, the time for caution has departed. It then becomes learning the motive of actions.

In summary, the greatest pain may arise from an open heart only to be met with greater joy. For no man has felt greater pain than preceeding joy.

I'm "That guy"

2011-08-19T12:51:00.001-04:00

If a relationship with someone takes you away from where you should be in your faith, it's not worth it.

Now, want to guess which end I was?
Far from who I wanted to be.

Quick brown fox and the dog

2011-08-15T20:34:00.001-04:00

I cry over her too. Maybe it's just because I acknowledge my heart rather than lose control to anger.

Everybody's Gotta Die Sometime

2011-08-13T14:44:00.000-04:00

I've seen the error of my ways.

Unfortunately I'm the error of hers.

Two years will be a long time, but I'm glad for it.

I'll be glad to give up the reigns on control of my life. I'm so tired of trying to do what's best and being overwhelmed, followed by loss of logical control.

Hopefully I can forget she exists in two years so this stops affecting me. I know I won't forget though.

"I'd prefer a blowjob, but I'll settle for a beer."

These are the words a gentleman chooses to represent himself. I know nothing of how they're associated, to what depth. I only know that he hasn't had to fight for the privilege of a few chats. This tells me that my treatment of her was worse than simply representing myself with such vulgarity.

Everything in me wants to give up, and this school will allow me to do that without ruining my life. I can simply settle in to the routine of going to class every day, and droning away my time in the gym. That's what I need. I can't try anymore when my efforts are met with her narcissistic scorn.

If I knew of anything I could do to have this turn out any other way I'd jump on it.

Unfortunately, no matter what efforts I put into treating her better it doesn't matter. She's too scarred by the past.

Degrading my morals offers no sense of comfort.

Changing my sorrow to prideful anger only increases the pain.

So what am I left with but to completely give up?

Maybe since I can only subdue the pain by completely exhausting myself on something, I'll move forward professionally. I'll be "successful," though I really don't care much for it.

Increasing the quality of life for those you love is where happiness comes from.

I'm about to go surrogate. I'll be here, but my heart will not be.

Erica,

I'm sorry for everything. I'm sorry for the ways that I hurt you before. For the yelling, the disrespect, the control. I'm sorry for how I've exceeded your expectations now and still hurt you.

I'll admit that in the past, I had intent to case emotional pain out of spite. That's what brought us to an end, even. It wasn't really a conscious thought process, but more of a silent motivator.

I'm sorry for the times I lost control in anger and said things that I can't erase. I'm sorry for how I violated you physically, capitalizing on your infatuation. I'm sorry for how I disrespected you as a person, by doing this repeatedly and by not trusting your own judgement. There's no excuse for it.

I'm sorry for not considering you in my actions after it was over. I still love you, and I shouldn't have acted otherwise. Though you broke associations with me, it wasn't right for me to do things that I knew would cause you pain. I knew there was still something with you, though I've yet to come to an understanding.

I'm not sure if you'll be able to reach me over the next two years, but you're welcome to try. I pledge my complete motivation and effort in trying to not only meet your needs and expectations as a suitor, but to exceed them.

Unfortunately the only thing that I am able to give you right now is an, 'I'm sorry.' I wish that I knew what more to do.

To all of the other readers that have grazed this blog over the past four years, and to Erica, goodbye.

I'm leaving everything I know on the 29th of August, 2011.

I hope everyone accomplishes great things over the next two years.

Boundaries

2011-08-07T04:28:00.000-04:00

If you grant neither of us the right to care, then what grounds have you for being angry?

I was completely responsible about it;

Within the law.
No money spent.
No responsibilities risked.
Not influencing anyone.

Point and case.
You owe me an apology.
I'm not asking you to rely on me, or to look at me as a suitor.
I wanted to talk. You said alright.

If this makes you so angry, then maybe you should open up and talk to me about what's honestly going on inside of you.

Kind of like when my eyes were briefly opened for the split second I saw your online "diary."

I grew a little fragment of understanding. You NEVER spoke openly like that to me. You still don't.

All I got was a, "Fuck you blah blah I remember it," and you were gone.

That's not communication.

More Functional Than Fine

2011-07-28T17:20:00.001-04:00

Life with a broken heart isn't life.

I never know how I feel about anything anymore.

Only how dissatisfied I can grow with myself.

I'm honestly just waiting for this to end.

Something's got to give eventually.

It throws me off how she can treat it like ancient history.

I feel terrified. Small.

2011-07-23T18:21:00.004-04:00

So much pain.

Everything in my heart wants to cry out. I'd rather take responsibility for blocking out the sun.

I'd rather be anyone else.

I question her ability to be calloused. If she hadn't run away from the problems, would it be so easy now?
If she were to come back would she be able to look me in the eye and be so straight-faced about this? The same girl who was crying in my arms? I can't understand it. I just feel painful confusion.

I'd give anything for this to end.

I've felt broken for so long now.

Erica

2011-07-23T03:46:00.002-04:00

Probably don't want to read below this. Fair warning.

Devil in the Details

2011-07-22T20:52:00.002-04:00

One of many reasons.

Figures I'd expect her to make sense.

Or.. acknowledge(?) any of the sentiments from the relationship.

Someone just give me a robotic heart so I can be healthy and care free.

Maybe I'll make a board. I'll put all sorts of sentimental stuff on it.

Then I'll place this image on there:

Oh, but that? I just think it's a cool camera. And my hand looks rather manly in that photo. It's meaningless otherwise, though it may have had value at some time.

Destructive.

Imbecile

2011-07-22T16:58:00.001-04:00

I feel as though I'm going to explode. I'm so stupid sometimes.

Negativity is like a pit. I'm negative. I don't want to be negative. I'm negative for being negative. I then inspire negativity in another. The moment is lost. Something that could have been beautiful is destroyed.

I have the ability to make her disappear by flicking my fingers over the keyboard. I hate that. I'm afraid to talk. Everything I say, I feel stupid afterwards. It always brings my mind back to the fact that this is my own doing.

Praying only seems to help 10% of the time. I'm desperate.

Name Fortune Book

2011-07-20T13:50:00.001-04:00

Caleb - You overextend and overexert yourself. You will succeed if you learn to focus your energy.

Joseph - You will have a happy and fulfilling marriage.

Daniel - You will endure a spiritual pilgrimage and be at peace.

At least it wasn't something like, "You will be wooed by a wealthy suitor, though their intentions may not be noble."

Millenia really dries out my eyes. Something in the air.

Paroxysm

2011-07-16T04:54:00.000-04:00

My heart is feeling a bit pained tonight, and I'm not sure why.

Well, I know exactly why. It's everything about it that I don't know.

I was rude to her again. She put up something to do with me, and deep down I had hoped that it was for a pleasant reason. Maybe she saw a positive change in my outlook or something. But she flattened that notion before I had even noticed that it sprung. So yes, I felt the initial foolishness of having something of such importance to my heart squandered to a simplistic viewpoint. But maybe something beyond that encouraged such a blunt, sudden end to what could have been a lovely conversation.

I don't see how any other emotion, sensation, or notion could come anywhere close to the different states of heart and mind I have been through with this girl. I have accepted the end.

But I accept the end in much the same manner that I accept one of two states; it's either she lives miserably for the duration of her or my days, or I show no real regard. Much like, "You've lost everything, what else do you have to lose?"

So I've sided with the latter.

In all honesty, I could never put her through everything stacked against the whimsical fantasy of there being an, 'Us.' First of all there's her parents which are most certainly disappointed in me. I'm no substance for their daughter in the sense of a suitor. Second of all, there's all the scarring that I've created in her. I was her first boyfriend. Granted we were both naive four years ago, but I've left a sour sensation in her heart, and I fear the damage my senseless actions could have on her future relationships. Third, there's the distance. She has plans to make Boston her current residence. She has purpose, direction, and goals. I have those in the broadest sense, having no idea how I'll get from 2011 to 2014. No idea. And that's scary enough when I've only got myself to worry about. Fourth there's the issue of my mother. I don't think that she'll ever have a positive outlook on this girl no matter how my heart feels.

Despite all of that, there's still something foolish in me. I still refresh her blogs four times a day even though I know that she's currently without internet access. I still physically smile or laugh when we have a text chat over the internet. All while expecting nothing. It's slightly refreshing.

Maybe it's that blasted key that I keep with me. Maybe there's some spell it has over me.

If only there was just some way that I could fix all of these things. Some magic beans, or some ten rigorous ten year boot camp thing. Either would be great. But that's not how the real world works, apparently. So I've no option but accept.

Angel From My Nightmares

2011-07-14T01:12:00.002-04:00

Well, that went terribly.

She deleted not only this post, but another with ice cream stating, "There is nothing wrong with our love," or something to that effect. So I'm left here feeling foolishly bewildered.

The only reason she gave for putting it up was;

I dunno

it sounded like a conversation from a book

*like it would be from a book

So I'm entirely unsure as to the real reason of her putting it up. Maybe that's the surface reasoning, but why would it matter enough to greet me with, "ugh I'm sorry about that stupid post[.] that wasn't supposed to go up[.]" Or why would it matter enough to immediately delete that post? Why delete the other post?

To be honest I'm only slightly offended. More confused.

I'll probably be more cautious when sharing vulnerabilities like that with her in the future if her only thoughts are really, "It sounds like it would be from a book."

Eh, women. I don't think I'll ever understand.

I updated my flickr.

http://www.flickr.com/photos/calebphotographer

How Should I Feel?

2011-07-12T22:37:00.002-04:00

She put this up. I'm "him. She's "me."

How should I feel about this?

Sixth

2011-07-07T14:43:00.002-04:00

Throat Cancer

2011-06-23T15:46:00.002-04:00

Bish why you wan kill me.

Wow..

2011-06-22T13:18:00.001-04:00

I really was a selfish boyfriend.

Major Setback

2011-06-19T15:07:00.000-04:00

Three weeks.

Right when I start to feel like my heart is stone, like nothing can affect it again.

I find out that she's been five minutes from me for three weeks.

And it's right at that time that she decides to pull this bullshit "stringing along" again after she said she wouldn't.

It would have been so easy to just have a damned conversation.

At least one thing is different this time.

I'm not crying.

I feel just as messed up, like my heart has been through a blender and there's no life left for it to cling to.

But I'm not going to cry.

There's not even going to be a hiccup in my daily routine.

What man deserves this torment?

I'm fighting down that childish resent towards everything around me.

If you could turn a, "Fuck you," into an action. Or a series of actions.

For example, you let the air out of a stranger's tires. This causes them to wreck and their legs are crushed on impact. They manage to crawl from the wreckage, and lay there bleeding in shock. You walk up, and they beg you to call 911, but instead you take your phone out, douse it in gasoline and light it on fire just outside their reach. Then you smile and walk away.

That's the kind of, "Fuck you," I feel victimized from here.

And how would I know any better? All I have to go on is being ignored. Maybe if she'd say a fucking word to me I'd be able to understand beyond this.

DAMN IT ALL.

This is the end of it. I'm done thinking about it. I'm going to go get some stuff done.

MyTouch 4G

2011-06-18T04:58:00.003-04:00

I snapped a couple photos of my new phone.

How's this for no light box?

No photoshop either. I adjusted white balance in Aperture and the exported.

Thinking I may try some less intense angles, or maybe same angled with a more shallow DOF to give a good judge of the actual shape of these.

My setup was simple.

Create a 1440x900px image filled with #FFFFFF, and fullscreen it.
Put my screen brightness all the way up, and turn a few bright lights on.
Set phone on the screen, and viola.

Inspired me to take a look at all the "product photography" I've done.

MyTouch 3G Slide:

iPhone 3Gs:

HTC HD2:

Samsung Behold 2:

All above taken without lightbox.
50mm ƒ/2 on Olympus EP-1

Google Nexus One:

This was taken on a plastic chair inside of a small hipster bar. Dim lighting, handheld, so I was not very satisfied with quality. Only Nexus One I've seen though so I jumped on the opportunity.

BlackBerry Bold 9700 w/dock:

Harley Iron 883:

Taken outside The Golf Channel, near International Drive in FL.
Terrible lighting available, and no tripod, so I went with an abstract angle and noise B&W. Bike was flat black, so I figured it would look suiting.

Remind You.

2011-06-17T08:02:00.001-04:00

Whatever you get is what you wanted to be.

Bustling Days

2011-06-17T04:37:00.006-04:00

Quite a bit has happened in the past few days.

Got in trouble at work for something that wasn't my fault.

Talked out of it so everything seems(?) ok.

Went to a huge audio/video convention.
Video above was the 'welcome dance' that I witnessed when I first arrived.

Got in free, was able to check out a new 30-40 inch HD display that does glasses-free 3D.

Works perfectly, didn't notice any ghosting or imperfections.

I did feel a bit cross-eyed after though.

My cell phone decided to die, so I had to buy a new one

Went with the HTC MyTouch 4G.

Going to take a few of my own pictures soon too.

I'm very satisfied with it.

The reception handles much better than my old phone, it's faster and seems to run apps better as well.

I didn't lose any screen resolution and gained some pixel density.

Battery lasts longer.

It feels nicer in the hand, and I've yet to miss a call or text due to not hearing it or feeling it vibrate.

It's also nice to be able to record decent 720p with a few taps.

I'm very satisfied with my purchase.

Via Fuck You Selfish Bitch.

I also basically told my ex to go fuck herself.

I feel a little better having done that. Constantly dealing with being ignored without explanation was really starting to get to me. I was trying to hold myself to the "gentleness moves mountains," routine, but I lost it after she lied to me again.

I don't think anyone deserves this treatment unless they've raped or brutalized yourself or someone you love. I wasn't doing anything like that, and after waiting for so long to try and just have a conversation with her.. She was stringing me along. Little 'communications' on her blog, or short quirps on flickr.

Why should I continue to try and be the "nice guy" when she only disrespects me more?

As it was I completely defiled the relationship with my mother to try and heal things in our relationship.

It seemed like no matter how hard I tried she just grew more displeased with me.

She always seemed unhappy, she would get angry at me when I tried to find out why.

I suppose it was unintentionally my fault that this happened. But I won't know the specifics because she still sticks to the schedule of what's convenient for her where communicating is concerned. So fuck it.

I'm not going to try or focus anymore. If I have to literally desecrate my heart just to try for a few words with her, what's the point of it all?

Maybe in another lifetime she'll mature a little in the "fairness to your boyfriend's emotions" department. But not now, not before. That was always a problem. It's like trying to deal with some type of robot. She would either be "good" or "super pissed and mean."

So I certainly feel like continuing on without paying much mind to that will be easier.

Really I would have much preferred a gentle conversation.

I also need to get a hold of this guy to find out when I'm leaving.
Two years. But it's like he's died or something. Voicemail is full, and I haven't heard from him.
Starting to get kind of annoyed.

What is

2011-06-12T17:02:00.001-04:00

What is the point of proper grammar? Communicating your idea in the best way understood by your audience.

Yet after all the time I've put into sharpening my communication, I still have so much trouble with this.

I hate coming onto this blog and venting. I'd much rather sit down with the object of my troubles and get it solved.

Unfortunately, I've inadvertently squandered this option. So now begins the journey of solitary healing.
I feel heartbroken, and there's no way for it to be rectified. The girl I fell in love with and completely devoted myself to is most certainly a different person now. If I received the opportunity to have her again, I'd be too scared. I'd have to get to know her again, and I'd have so much trouble trusting that she would just abandon as though she's never shared anything beyond a "hello" with her.

So I lay my heartbreak on the table, and other girls are slowly tearing away at it like buzzards on roadkill.

Terrorist

2011-06-11T04:17:00.000-04:00

Had a great evening tonight. Ran around lighting fireworks off everywhere and giving myself an adrenaline high.

Getting Popular

2011-06-10T21:32:00.001-04:00

Surprising. Thank you for reading.

Your Children

2011-06-10T08:40:00.000-04:00

Will never know:

What it feels like to use VHS
To rewind after a movie is finished
Waiting an hour to develop film
Licking the back of stamps
Blowing on the game cartridge to make it work
Leaving your video game on 24/7 because you couldn't save
Using a pay-phone instead of a cellphone
That cell phones at one time were just phones
Untangling a phone cord
What Billy Mays' voice sounds like
What dial-up sounds like
What it's like to buy a cigarette from a vending machine
That pluto is a planet
The phrase "Please be kind, rewind."
"Get off the internet. I need to use the phone."
What it feels like to walk into a store and buy music
Why it's called "boob tube"
Smoking on a plane, in a restaurant, or other establishment

Just realized how old I am.

What have I done with my life? I tried to make a girl happy and it was deemed worthless.

Time to step it up.

Too Long Two

2011-06-09T20:13:00.000-04:00

Maybe I'm having such trouble getting over this because I know that if the effort she initially put into leaving me, and me stopping her had been put into communicating about how we could work it out, there would be a mutually happier outcome.

Eventually I can probably bury this deep enough into the back of my mind so that as long as I never have to see her again, hear her name, hear about anything that she really enjoyed, or love again, I won't think about it.

Your's Truly

2011-06-09T01:39:00.001-04:00

Also, this:

This is how I feel today.

2011-06-08T10:29:00.001-04:00

Too Long

2011-06-08T01:40:00.003-04:00

How long until a, 'Fuck you,' is forgivable?
I'm battling with it because it is a selfish act, two wrongs don't make a right, etc.
But I don't see how her reactions aren't the biggest, "Fuck you," of all.
I was left trying to hold a shell of a life together. She knew that she was my family. She knew what I had given for her. But primarily because of other peoples disapproval she walked away like it was nothing.
I fully own up to the fact that I messed a lot of stuff up. I also don't rob myself of the effort and achievement I made in correcting myself when I made those flaws. Giving to the point that the only thing left for me to give was death. I said goodbye to all Earthly possessions, securities and comfort zones. Because I knew that ultimately I would feel better knowing that I fixed things and made her happy.
In the end I don't see what caused her to leave except the way her "friends" apparently made her feel bad for trying to work things out in a relationship.
So after being blatantly ignored, the only message I can deduce is, "Fuck you, worthless person. Stop existing."
I don't want to come to this conclusion, so I've been lying to myself and convincing myself that it's all my fault. But I can't do it anymore.
What else can I deduce from this behavior? Am I a moron?

Not to mention dealing with heartbreak is a complete bitch.

WTF seriously how can heartbreak even look at stuff like this?

Self-Confidence

2011-06-07T08:29:00.000-04:00

Phenomenal cosmic power...

I've been called:

Full of myself

Know-it-all

Arrogant

Cocky

I've been doing some thinking. I'm none of these things at all.

My demeanor may make it seem like I value myself.

But if you look a little deeper;

my sleep schedule,

my organization,

the mess in my room,

the mess in my car,

the way I take care of myself.

The only thing I am is good at acting like I think I'm worth something.

If you look beyond that first-impression outer sliver.

There's something waiting to get stepped on.

Delicious

2011-06-07T01:40:00.001-04:00

Got to love American Spirit; "100% Additive Free All Natural Tobacco."

Actually one sounds good about now.

Here's a diamond.

2011-06-04T05:40:00.001-04:00

I'm really happy with this setup, too. I placed the diamond between my phone's two LED's, and had a reverse lens macro set up:

70-150mm ƒ/4 attached to camera set between 100-120mm
50mm ƒ/1.4 reversed on the front of that.

It looked like some type of monstrosity but it did it's job well.

I'm not sure if this diamond is mined or lab created. I'm 50/50 from looking at it extremely close up and doing the old "scratch glass" test.

Why?

2011-05-29T04:16:00.001-04:00

Just, 'Why?'

One of Five

2011-05-29T01:55:00.001-04:00

Spent the day at Magic Kingdom yesterday.

It was the most bittersweet experience I've ever had. Everywhere I looked I heard her voice, saw her smiling, having fun, just realizing how insane I am.

So I made this tonight. It's part one out of five, and I will only feel inspired to continue when I feel my lowest.

I noad toi ap nixj.

2011-05-26T23:02:00.002-04:00

Slammin' Salmon and your's truly.

The Slammin' Salmon himself.

Mr. Salmon getting some photos of the lightning.
This photo lit by lightning, with reflection of lightning in lake.

Dang wind moving my tripod around.

2011-05-25T17:26:00.001-04:00

Really digging Google Music.

Damn phone crapped out on me.. Accelerometer and light/proximity sensor ceased function.

I'll get it figured out. Eventually. Too tired to be motivated right now.

*EDIT*

Fixed my phone. Updated to a new android version, now it's fast and light functioning as it should.
Now I'm REALLY loving the new Google Music features.

Working Hard, or Hardly Working?

2011-05-25T03:27:00.002-04:00

Ivo at Work

2 Minute Sketch

First Try. I'm Awesome.

What am I?

Please you dear, cruel woman, give me something.

Leaving

2011-05-25T01:23:00.001-04:00

"If I could have one wish, it would be to see you again, if only once, before the fifth."

Business Casual

2011-05-24T21:53:00.001-04:00

She says I'm not romantic

I say she's too dramatic

We could work it night by night

It's Not A Real Number

2011-05-24T03:10:00.001-04:00

I watched V for Vendetta last night.
The scene when Natalie loses her fear and walks out of her prison filled my head with a memory. I instantly understood the way that "V" would have felt had he been real.

The day before she left, she stood in the driveway and the tears poured out. I had become a prison for her, and she was saying goodbye to the fear.

So now I exist as a horribly disfigured being trying to do right for those around him. I wear a mask with a plastic smile, while being ruthlessly honest and reckless.

I'm losing touch, and clinging to hope with disregard for sanity.

MFW She Talks to Me Again

2011-05-22T00:55:00.002-04:00

All Without Right Angles

2011-05-21T18:29:00.000-04:00

So I went a full 24 hours without touching my computer, or any other type of socially connected device.

It was strange.

I got back on this morning, and saw this:

My first thought is fear.

Damn you intolerable fear.

I'm so sick of you.

I wonder if I'm the cause of this.

I feel guilt, and then sadness at the feelings spiked from these simple words.

I want to feel joyful.

I'm so scared of leaving.

Hopefully tonight I can do something creative.

Will you just say something already?

2011-05-19T12:55:00.000-04:00

This is really starting to affect me.

Nearly impossible to just act like nothing's happening.

Beyond Exhausted

2011-05-18T16:51:00.001-04:00

I'm still failing to see the positive effects of this.

In fact, the whole trying to act like you don't exist thing has me feeling sour towards humanity.

Your little communication initiations have driven me insane due to the complete lack of external acknowledgement.

I really think I was on to something.

If we could just resist expressing negativities due to the past.

I think it would be great.

It was working great too. But then something set you off... I don't know what.

In your words, "I don't know how you manage."

In reference to the fact that you were enjoying my virtual company.

Here's the original, because it actually is a clever image:

I would do anything to stop this pain.

Here's to You and Me

2011-05-18T08:41:00.000-04:00

Sounds so suiting.

Can You Feel It?

2011-05-17T18:34:00.000-04:00

How long until I'm crazy for not reacting to being deleted from the face of the Earth?

Argh

2011-05-17T16:41:00.000-04:00

Thought You'd Like This.

2011-05-16T18:29:00.004-04:00

Click here:

"Instant Reblog"

*EDIT*
Just saw that your source's source has a link to it already, so you may have seen it.

Personally it fills my heart with tears that such a beautiful lens would be wasted.

But to dissect something you first have to kill it, right?
I guess I should stop trying to understand you and bury my confusion.

Dear Readers,

2011-05-16T14:20:00.000-04:00

How do you live with a broken heart?
I've been keeping myself busy. That stopped working so well though, and I started venting on here. That has been doing ok, but I feel like if I come on here one more time and vent I'm going to explode.

I can't talk to the relevant party about it.
Can't share with my family.

How do I handle this?

Almost

2011-05-16T14:06:00.002-04:00

Nearly exactly what happened to me.

Rest Assured

2011-05-15T20:01:00.000-04:00

I'm no duke. I'd sooner be violent to myself than someone else at this point.

It'd only hurt you.

Forget that.

Lev

2011-05-15T17:49:00.000-04:00

I walked into church this morning and they were starting a new series.

A series about the heart.

First question, "Is your heart filled with joy this morning?"

Then the Hebrew meaning of "heart." It's much deeper than today's meaning.

It was written to mean not just the emotional side of a person, but encompassing every aspect of a human.

Going back to the hebrew symbols they are meant to say "the authority within."

I don't even remember what joy is.

I remember that I felt it that first day out riding the motorcycle.

When I felt like I had been strong and done a selfless act, and felt strong in faith that God would see me through it.

But I don't remember feeling joy recently.

A few select times when I was hopeful for it. Where I could almost feel it. I felt a chance for it.

Basically what this part of the series ended with was that most heartfelt acts that displease God are started by one of two things. The "Two C's;" Comfort or Control.

Immediately I thought over all the ways I had acted out of these.

Fear based actions to keep myself comfortable. Stealing to keep myself financially comfortable, lying to keep myself emotionally comfortable.

Trying to control to keep myself comfortable.

Then my thoughts grazed to all the ways I had done this in my relationship.

Pluto Counts

2011-05-15T08:48:00.001-04:00

Maybe one of us should go live on another planet, since just one between us seems to do nothing.

LOST

2011-05-14T23:49:00.002-04:00

OH YEAHHH!!!

2011-05-14T23:33:00.000-04:00

Saw my old friend Kool-Aid today. Miss him, probably won't get to see him again.

2011-05-14T16:20:00.000-04:00

I don't understand. :(

It turns pain into torture, not understanding things.

Why initiate contact, as subtle as it was?

Why post about a billiards game to delete it?

What does it mean?

Why resist saying anything if you keep looking?

Are you afraid? Why deny yourself what you want?

Or are you looking in mockery? Am I pathetic to you now, something to judge when you're bored?

I have absolutely no idea what to think. It's so painful.

I keep moving forward. It all feels hollow because I'm denying how I feel.

I feel like I'm not allowed to feel pain over this. I can't talk to you about it, even though you were crying before you left. I only feel worse the longer I try and and put up a front. I feel less loving, less tolerant. I feel colder.

Are you feeling better? Am I allowed to know? Maybe you could just post a comment on this, and I could never publish it and act like I didn't receive it. If you want to know about what's going on in my life why can't you just ask? I'd love to satisfy all the curiosities that bring you to this blog.

I don't want to keep posting like I was though. Acting like I don't know you're looking.

This two years is going to be so lonely.

Will you call me? My phone will be on all night. It's what like 10PM there?

I wonder if this is affecting you at all like it is me.

Isn't that what you were telling me with the "We’re all a little psycho at times. I’m probably worse, don’t worry"

How is this helping? Nothing here is rhetorical. I'm seriously going insane because I'm so lost and confused. It turns life into a big ball of unpleasant.

Fear-Based

2011-05-14T10:17:00.001-04:00

I'm scared of going away for two years. I don't know where I'll go after.

I'm afraid that I may go insane. I'll be alone, and this is hard enough to deal with while I have friends.

The motorcycle should help. I've been working at my arm every time I work graveyard and it's almost completely better. I'd say a 90% improvement. For basic daily functions it's fine, but I still have a little trouble trying to find a comfortable sleep position, random cramps, etc. I want to pick up another CX500 when I move, or possibly an older bike.

Pretty much my face when on a motorcycle. <3

Life would be so much easier if it'd just end.

2011-05-13T19:44:00.002-04:00

I don't know.

I loved her. Talking to her always seemed difficult. But then again, so does talking to anyone.

Any time I talk in depth about a subject I always tense up. I'm terrible about expressing myself.

I wanted to be the guy that she could confide in, but I failed at making her feel safe if/when she did.

Then she started doubting my motives, or so it seemed. We disagreed there. How can one feel guilt while another does not? I felt guilt for affecting her negatively.

I have trouble seeing where I went wrong. Where is the sin finding delight in her embrace? In being so close that I can see the way the shadows fall across her complexion. Watching her eyes switch back and forth between my two eyes, deciding which to settle on. Adjusting to the way she smells, feeling her inhale and exhale. Feeling her become heavy as she falls asleep.

It's no different to me than when we were downtown on that first 'date,' upstairs in the library looking at old papers. I remember the excited tension that built up inside of me watching her pick one out. Trying to convince myself that this beautiful creature was going to be walking back to me in a moment.

I don't even have words for this.

What felt like doubt coming from her seemed to centralize around laying down. For me it was just about being tired, but it started to feel like she suspected my motives. Like I was using her, or had a flawed interest in her. I started to doubt myself, but I know that my motives weren't slanted.

Talking to another girl feels.. dirty, almost. I don't introduce myself as taken, and I've gritted my teeth through referring to her as my "ex." I've tried. My heart is taken though.

Maybe I'm overridden with guilt and remorse because I know that when everything started, she was completely happy with me. She was taken with me. Fascinated, having fun.

And it's gone from that to now. As it is now I'd have to make a completely new email account to even attempt at contacting her. Even then, I'm not sure if she's kept the same email account.

How did I take things from great to terrible without meaning any harm? It wasn't because of her. She was sure that she was interested in me before she committed. It was because of how I treated her as things went on. It was my own stupidity, I guess. It was right in front of me the whole time, and at the very least could have bought me a little more time. Grace. I didn't know how to have grace with her. I didn't know how to appreciate that we were from different lifestyles, that we had different perspectives.

I guess that's another consequence of not having any social life through school.

It's so pathetic that I actually even gave a second thought to debating something as petty as laying down, and now every idle moment is spent craving her voice. I could throw everything away for her. I did it twice. But I couldn't just let it go? Have some competence?

I guess the point is that I know almost nothing. Only where I want to be. And that's anywhere, as long as I can share it.

[insert appropriate appreciating what you've lost quote here]

2011-05-13T18:48:00.000-04:00

Please dear God,

Just show me what to do so my heart stops falling apart.

Why does everything hurt?

Why is my family the way it is?

Why did growing up that way give me insecurities that destroys the object of my affection?

What can I do?

It'd be great if you made an email account and could just shoot me an email with the answers.

Seriously I would love that so much.

Amen.

2011-05-13T13:53:00.002-04:00

Refresh

2011-05-12T09:55:00.000-04:00

How bad would it be to email me or something? I don't know anything about where you're at emotionally, so I don't know how bad it would be.

It's difficult to receive encouragement from you the way you gave it. I appreciate it more than anything.

IMO high key works better with fewer colors, or more editing. I think everything looks sort of washed out in #1, but just right in #2. A slight curves adjustment would make #1 my preferred.

I don't really know what to say. It makes me feel good to see you create art.

Love

2011-05-12T08:50:00.000-04:00

Hope is important. It will always endure, forever, because I've

seen happiness, and happiness is her.

As long as I remember her I will remember happiness, and I will remember pain.

Although forgetting her would be greater pain.

I'm filled with desire to be hers. Her happiness.

I never wanted to say goodbye.

Remembering

2011-05-12T08:35:00.000-04:00

I remember one time when I was young I was walking with my dad, I tripped and fell, getting a rock stuck in my knee. He took me upstairs and disinfected it, and got it out.

I remember another time I blasted barney on his speakers and he partied with me to barney.

I remember another time he came down and took me to disney and we got a hotel room for the weekend. He bought me the hercules action figure that fired three snakes out a bow and arrow.

I remember one fourth of july when he had the coolest firework. He nailed it to a tree and lit it, then it spun around and shot fire out in a huge floral pattern.

I remember him picking me up from daycare with a gatoraid for both me and him.

Then I remember the time I took a piece of bacon while he was cooking and spanked me while over and over saying, "want a piece of bacon?" in the most terrifying way.

I remember him cursing out his fish tank one time and flushing a crab down the toilet. I remember being scared to use it after that.

I remember him and my mom fighting.

I remember not seeing or hearing from him for over fifteen years and I have no idea why.

Embrace

2011-05-11T14:10:00.001-04:00

Back toi sleep

Cupid Stabbed Me In The Back

2011-05-11T02:14:00.002-04:00

I Sing This Very Loud on the Way to Work

2011-05-10T22:30:00.001-04:00

Come and get the dream
Ghosts right through the cemetery

Feel the morning rain
Dancing 'round the Colosseum

I can not explain
Something in your chemistry
Power to your brain
Power to the mind's museum

p$ÿçhδ┼ì¢

2011-05-10T20:30:00.002-04:00

~~Will you play scrabble with me?~~

~~I use Words With Friends on my Android phone.~~

~~My username is "CalebPhotographer"~~

I'm stupid. Forget it.

Do I Exist?

2011-05-10T20:15:00.004-04:00

Will I ever hëªΓ f┌òM ¥òù agäìñ?

2011-05-10T20:05:00.002-04:00

┬hè$è â┌é ┬hê gδôD ┬îmΣ$ öƒ ÿδµ┌ └ífε

$ö pµ┼ on ª $Mî└é ä∩d ì┬'└└ ßê @└ΓìGht

Paralyzed

2011-05-10T19:52:00.000-04:00

I should be sleeping.

I decide to check for the hundredth time today.

What's this? It's there.

Her smile.

I'm paralyzed.

I can't move.

Suddenly I feel something.

I'm wet. Bawling.

I can't see through the tears.

I blink.

Vision restored.

I see her smile again.

Then I smile.

It's sσ gènùi∩Σ

îM $φ Hî└â┌îφü$

2011-05-10T10:57:00.000-04:00

Mσ∩$┼ér

kì└└ ki└└ kí└└

¢lòwn

jδkê┌

hαhäHá

hì└à┌íσµ$

So Put on a Smile

2011-05-10T10:32:00.000-04:00

Now I Remember

2011-05-10T09:18:00.000-04:00

Depressing motivation. I found an old SD card that I last remember having an HD copy of Wall-E on, so I decided to watch. Instead I plugged it in and got that barbed wire feeling in my heart.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1G7pp2uGx-g

I feel hollow because I remember remembering how good it used to feel seeing that smile.

I remember that day too. But now I wonder if she was just being selfless. If she was just trying to make me feel better because of what had just happened with my family, but secretly miserable on the inside.

I need a distraction. I'm confined to the walls of my room this week because of the work schedule. I need to get out, away. God knows what I want most. But he knows what she wants most too, and he knows what I can handle.

So apparently I can do this.

Glad

2011-05-09T22:49:00.001-04:00

I was walking into work just now, and I saw a girl carrying a bag of something, I'm assuming laundry, that was twice her size. She ever so slightly resembled you, and it made me stop and think. What if I had convinced you to stay. I probably would gave doomed you to a life of mediocrity. You'd probably have to work the way I do all night. It broke my heart. I'm so glad that didn't happen. Look at all that you've already accomplished.

I'm happy that you're getting to go out and conquer the world. Maybe once I finish with my debt I can do the same. This is such a conundrum. Maybe my family is cursed and I'm doomed to never have things just right. None up the ups that fill a regular persons life of ups and downs.

I won't stop trying to move forward, but it will all seen meaningless without you. Money can only get a few hours of distraction. I don't know what to think right now. I'm sorry for my thoughtless demands in the past.

I look forward to seeing your photos of the new structure. I was reading about it on engadget and it sounds pretty cool. I'm going to clock in now.

Left Me Wondering

2011-05-08T22:35:00.001-04:00

If she's going to abandon her blogs now that I've let the "you-can-see your-audience-demographic-based-on-time-of-day" cat out of the bag. I hadn't fully thought it out before I posted that. I hope she doesn't feel dumb for lurking now. I'm stupid sometimes. A lot of times.

I'm Being Watched

2011-05-08T06:50:00.004-04:00

You're crazy. But that's ok, because I am too.

I hope you have a great time with your family.

Also what's up with the week of nothingness?

Thought your blog was supposed to be a daily thing, cheater.

I'm going to reiterate, no more, no less than what you want.

But I can only assume that you keep lurking for a reason.

Hopefully I'll have time for some photography soon. Work is kicking my butt. Last night was my fourth graveyard in a row, and I still have them every night until Thursday. It'll be nice once I get the paycheck from it and a day or two off. I'll get a roll or two of film to play with my new camera. :)

I'll leave one that reflects my mood, one which I've never uploaded.

Beach
4AM
Handheld SOOC

One of Those Rare Times

2011-05-08T02:23:00.001-04:00

That I absolutely love my job.

Derp

2011-05-07T17:01:00.000-04:00

lol

Ugh

2011-05-06T22:29:00.002-04:00

Someone rented out the magic kingdom and turned it into a club again. Miserable night in store.
I really miss that feeling. Not being around or with a girl. But being with someone where you feel proud to hold their hand.
It's basic though. You have to be able to bring something just as valuable to the table. I guess that's where I fall short.
There is so much difficulty and learning through this. I still have my nights, where I watch the videos, read the letters, or even just fall into deep thought over what I squandered.
But taking initiative feels good. I challenged myself with a selfless act of love almost two years ago, and now it's time to challenge myself with a selfish act of love.
Two years is a long time. And the timing makes it even more difficult. What if she forgets me in that time? What if it seals the fate of things taking this step and disappearing for two years? But it's the best decision for my life as it would be with or without her. So all of my hopes in the "her" department are resting in the short breaks I will receive to fly wherever and possibly visit her. It's pathetic, but it's all I can do to comfort myself. It's a balance and act of faith. Sure it would be great. But all of the success and progress one man can achieve will do nothing for my desire to hear that voice.
Time to go change for work.
I hope that whatever happens, it works out in your favor.
I wonder if I should tell you about my recurring nightmare/daydream. I can't decide if it would humor you at this point.

2011-05-06T13:19:00.000-04:00

What is the meaning of this?

Nowhere does it say that I'm being blocked.

I feel like a deer.

A car's pulled up, headlights blinding.

A brief moment of acknowledgement.

Just like that I disappear.

2011-05-06T01:20:00.000-04:00

I would like to get this vase.

Then I would like to place these pebbles in the vase.

Then fill the vase with water.

To make a home for this guy.

I'll do it soon.

Smooth With the Ladies

2011-05-05T23:30:00.001-04:00

Well, I certainly should be.

I learned from the best, after all.

Just call me Finn.

Cigs and Sushi

2011-05-04T18:47:00.005-04:00

Went out to lunch with my friend today. Got sushi, which I haven't had in months. It was great.

You know that you're talking to me, right? Thank you.

~~Ignoring the white rabbit.~~

Let's see if you can find an image for these.

How are you psycho?

Is your heart doing okay?

Gerty

It's the only reason I'm even attempting this distance.

Whine whine

2011-05-04T05:59:00.005-04:00

Right at this moment she is updating. For a brief moment it makes me feel like we're in contact somehow. But then I'm just reminded at the fact that I'm behaving like some psycho stalker by going on there when it's not what she wants.

Next time I'm in a relationship I'm just going to take roofies the entire time so I don't remember anything.

We're the same, but different. You say potato, I say tomato. Discard, repair. Le fú.

Danger Ducks

2011-04-28T01:41:00.000-04:00

I have a project to take clear photographs of quite a few jewelry moulds. Somewhere over 1,000 of them.

I'm interested so far, but it's going to be a LOT of work, and I will probably run out of hard drive space.

Saw this on YouTube..

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dwGm0v0BJbw

Cute little things.

Family Reunion

2011-04-25T02:33:00.000-04:00

I saw a lot of my family today that I haven't seen in 3+ years.

I called my grandfather to ask if it was ok for me to come to the family get together;

Pops: Hello?

Me: Hey, it's Caleb. I was wondering if it was ok if I came to the family thing tonight.

Pops: Who is this?

Me (Louder): This is Caleb. I was wondering if I could come tonight.

Pops: Ok, and who did you say this is?

Me: This is Caleb Buckley.

Pops: I can't believe I don't recognize my own grandson's voice. Of course you can come Caleb.

I was biting my tongue to hold back the tears all night.

I've got new family members that I didn't know about, and another one on the way.

He gave me some new camera equipment when I got there. I'm really, really excited to use it.

Minolta XD11

Minolta Rokkor 50mm ƒ/1.7

Minolta Rokkor 135mm ƒ/3.5

Working

2011-04-24T02:16:00.001-04:00

So tonight I got a random call for a graveyard shift at a resort I don't normally work. I decided to just go for out even though I woke up at 9am yesterday morning. My primary goal is to get my debts paid before I leave. I'm so excited that I may get it done in the next two to three months, thanks to the extra shifts I've been picking up. I'm hoping that I didn't get myself into a pickle this month by putting too much toward my debts last month.

I'm also excited about being paid for photography. I've only had one actual shoot, and two other calls (which I declined), bit I haven't put all that much work into it yet. The business side of my photography will be at luxmedia.tumblr.com

Nothing there so far but the logo and some crappy street photos. I will put the first shoot up soon, as well as any other plans and/or shoots.

There have been rumors that I'm joining the circus.. I'd like to address this and say that I think the circus is definitely better suited for a color changing haired, blue eyed, 1,000,000 year old, space exploring, chainsaw juggling, dinosaur, wizard girl that's married to spider-man than for a boring guy like myself.

Young Lady

2011-04-22T16:04:00.000-04:00

I wish I could help.

I want you to know that I've been thinking about you. I broke and ventured onto your art/design blog again. A great view of the Magic Kingdom can be had from the California Grill at the Contemporary Resort. You can get seating right next to the window, but it's really expensive. (Receipts for a couple go between $200-$300)

I wish that there was something I could do to help you. I saw the "happy birthday" photo that you posted on the eighteenth, and I'm trying to tell myself that it's just a coincidence but it's difficult. I wanted to wish you a happy birthday, but I wouldn't let myself because I thought it would upset you.

I'm really sorry for making you feel bad when you saw that I had seen your tumblr diary. I don't know how I notified you. I didn't mean to.

I'm leaving soon. I'm going to be away for two years, and I don't know what I'm going to do after that.

I hope that your experiences are great. If I can help at all, please tell me. I don't know if it's as hard for you as it is for me to just try and act like nothing happened. It's difficult for me but I'm doing fine. If you want to talk anything out, I'm here to talk only as much as you want. No more, no less.

Hopefully you see this.

Young Man

2011-04-18T23:19:00.000-04:00

Well I'm no longer a teenager. I guess that technically makes me a young man now. I certainly don't feel like I deserve that title. I need to accomplish more. If I can get my goals accomplished within the next six months, I'll feel better.

Last Time Teen

2011-04-17T11:39:00.000-04:00

So I'm feeling pretty terrible this birthday. I was doing really well, managing to keep myself upbeat and positive. Then I saw something that I shouldn't have, and it set me way back.

My mind has been drawn back into that self-pity of "is going this far really necessary?"

I don't doubt my outward lack of attraction towards red hair had some influence. And to go from saying one semester to two?

And what was that one night?

Coming over at four in the morning? She told me she did it because I needed it. And if she had just been accepting of my affection that evening, maybe I could accept that. But she went beyond it. She was responsive to it positively. Encouraging.

How is it normal to go from that, literally the next day sending me photos from the airport to just gone? Ignoring me entirely and just expecting that to make sense?

I take full responsibility. I couldn't provide her with a stable heart, so why should I expect one in return?

I'm just ready for the pain to go away.

It was starting to.

But then instantly I'm put back to how I was when it first happened.

Instantly I'm sent from chilling waiting for my buddy to wake up, to storming out the front door with my eyes on fire, driving way too fast and resisting the urge to vomit.

While this was all my fault, I did try. And I'm scared now that I'm going to be set back farther than I was before her. I put my quality of life on the line in a manner so drastic that it wasn't affected by her presence, because it's what "our relationship needed."

But it just seemed like from the moment I took that step she wanted more and more to get away from me.

I don't know where I went wrong.

I don't know how I could have tried differently. I put myself out there every way that she asked.

Now I'm just pushing myself forward trying to accept defeat, because it seems like that's the only option thus far. But I don't know if I can do it. What if I had accepted defeat the first time I took a terrible photograph? The second time? The third? Why am I to treat this passion any differently?

"I can't be your reason for working hard. I can't be what you depend on for hope or purpose in life. There is a much greater purpose for you than to try and please me. "

It's like she doesn't see that I'm like that about everything I love.

I worked as hard at trying to let her know she was special as I did at making money off of cell phones.

I'm not going to make any more posts like this. I hate having such a heavy burden for a heart. If I ever start wallowing in self-pity again, I'll just silently update this post instead.

I won't be some dumb teen next time I post.

New Technique

2011-04-16T19:40:00.000-04:00

I've been trying to figure out this method since I saw it used on flickr a year or two ago. I've only ever seen one guy use it, and he has it down perfectly. Maybe some day I can use it as artistically as he does.

I'm somewhat satisfied with this one. I was a little disappointed that I couldn't get the whole shadow in frame (this would have involved me standing in the middle of a busy intersection) but that is another issue for another lens. The original file looks great on my computer, and so far it seems that uploading it to various websites leaves it with a few compression artifacts that bother me. Overall I'm extremely pleased with the clarity and retention of detail.

Also, I miss my motorcycle dearly.

R.I.P. baby.

Overwhelming

2011-04-09T22:10:00.000-04:00

So I'm feeling this overwhelming desire to make art. I feel as though I've gotten pretty good at portraits, but I want to get more into the art side of photography again.

I'm probably going to start playing around with the camera again over the next week. Expect results.

WRYYYYYYYYY

2010-10-09T19:04:00.002-04:00

I've got some stories coming tonight. Stay tuned.

Update.

Due to "Anonymous" complaint (I know who you are), I will post instead of sleep.

Wal-Mart. 2AM. I was relieving myself at the urinal. I finished, washed my hands, and opened the door to exit. A normal looking guy was walking towards me so I held the door. He looks up at me and gives me one of "those" smiles and says "Thanks." (heavy gay accent emphasis)

"That" smile.

Next evening I was at work, and a group of three guys came and handed in their valet ticket.

I ran up and grabbed the keys and started running off in the new shorts I had gotten. They were tight to the point that it was slightly uncomfortable but I've been ignoring it since my legs get too hot sprinting all the time in my pants. I hear behind me... "Thanks." I think to myself, 'No, I'm just being paranoid from last night.'

I pull the car up, and couldn't figure out the door lock. The driver of the three comes up (work regulation states to rule drivers side window down at all times the car is in our possession with keys inside) reaches his hand inside (everything from this point forward coming from three guys has HEAVY gay accent emphasis) brushes it across my thigh and says "Everyone messes up with this, here I'll get it."

He locks all of the doors. Repeats previous action "Whoops, he-he." *That smile* and unlocks the doors. I burst out and open the rear passenger door for the guy that's getting in the back seat. He rubs his hand on my shoulder/back and whispers in my ear, "Don't worry, I'm sure there are plenty of other things those fingers are good for."

I waited for them to leave, vomited, and clocked out early. Then I had a day off and just stayed home all day. I'm scared of outside now. I even had a photographer try to ask me to the gayday parade!!! Bleh.

Gross.

Hear me roar!

2010-10-03T21:27:00.002-04:00

So this week has been really long. Worked about fifty hours (Got let off early a couple times), and went 50-60 hours without sleeping. I then went to bed and slept until 4PM in the afternoon. It was good.

Outside of work, I hung out with my buddy Ryan, and watched him be kind of crazy like he always is with his weapons. Butterfly knife, Uzi, Bow and Arrow, Sword. I'm sure I probably missed a few dozen of the weapons that he has within his collection.

I also did a photo shoot with Maddie, which was fun. :)

(That's real lens flare :D )

Hopefully this week isn't quite so hectic. It would be nice to have some free time and get some relaxation in.

Tomorrow I'm going to drive to my bosses house and fix his motorcycle. The plan was originally to do it today, but I woke up too late so I just worked on mine some and I'm going there tomorrow. I'm hoping that I can help him out, and that there aren't any additional parts needed.

Anyway, how are you blog lurkers doing?

Great Day

2010-09-30T01:42:00.000-04:00

Well I started the day off by getting off of work early--Which was good.

Then I went to my friend Chris' house, and hung out for a while.

From there I stopped by VCC, and ran into an old friend.

It was fun to catch up :)

Talked for a while, and got her to (partially)relax for the first time ever to get some good photos.

Hopefully we get to do it again soon.

Really happy with these photos. She's definitely a cutie.

2010-09-27T19:54:00.004-04:00

If only there were a beautiful girl here to enjoy this with me.