In the Mind of an 18 Year Old Photographer

Soooo bored.

2009-11-01T16:54:00.004-05:00

So I've been feeling kind of lousy.. But I just got a new camera, so that should help me vent some.

44th photograph I've taken with it, second day that I've had it.

From In the Mind of an 18 Year Old Photographer

Looking Up

2009-07-22T02:12:00.002-04:00

I will make a positive post, since "sigh" isn't a very happy comment. ;)

I got more than enough scholarship money for college, which will help me to get the laptop I want, and a car.

I have a job now.. although it's not going exactly the way I had hoped, I'm grateful that I've gotten the chance to save up a modest cushion of money. I'm sure that it will help me greatly when it comes time to purchase a car.

And "girl"

...so happy with the way things are looking. She's going out-of-state for college.. and while there's no guarantees, we're going to try and ease into things.. see how stuff works long distance. I feel extremely confident that it will go well, and I'm happy that we will get to experience it.. Hopefully it's one of many experiences to come.

I think she's starting to relax a little.. and that makes me the most happy of all.

4th of July.

2009-07-04T22:01:00.004-04:00

My favorite holiday.. But I'm sitting here alone, looking at cell phone prices.

Why?
My family is a wreck.
My best friend found some other friends.
'Girl' is out w/family, and I'm stuck here.
Not really close enough with anyone else.

Lonely.

When did this blog turn from a constant stream of photographs to a whiney place for me to come and steam? I'm so frustrated. I want to fix everything, but there's nothing I can do.

I Feel It

2009-07-02T03:35:00.003-04:00

So this girl just doesn't seem to understand where my heart is. She thinks that the only real solution would be to stop talking to me.. which would not help at all. It would crush me.

But I can feel something coming. She's leaving for college soon. And I know how it will work. She's a knockout, this girl. So some guy will come up, and even if she sees that he is interested, it will be no big deal. Because there's no other commitment or guy that will be holding her up. And I will say nothing about it, because I don't like upsetting her if I can restrain myself from speaking.

So anyways, this guy will be friends, and eventually they will grow closer and closer, her seeing no problem with it. Until, before she realizes it, she's fallen for him. And then she will come to me and say, "Caleb, I met someone."
And what can I say to that? Nothing!
She will be a few hundred miles away, going to college. She doesn't need me. So what will there be to stop her?

Of course, this happening will completely split us apart. Because it would be completely inappropriate for me to hold any type of contact with her thinking about her the way that I do. Leaving me alone and broken.

So it looks like I've gotten myself into a lose-lose situation. Awesome.

2009-06-15T00:02:00.000-04:00

Tonight I feel completely, entirely alone.

My Pizza Has a Progress Bar

2009-05-22T20:54:00.001-04:00

'nuff said.

Obvious

2009-05-19T22:53:00.002-04:00

There's still something there.
It hasn't been very long, but just from the way she acts during the short times that she is able to relax, the short times she isn't afraid that I will smash her heart, I can tell. These short 30 second windows mean a lot to me.

At breakfast today, she opened up and shared an event that she cared about with me. I couldn't keep myself from smiling as I listened along. Her being excited for someone else that she cared about. One of the things that has been hardest on me through this has been losing touch with her. Not knowing what was/is going on in her life. The things influencing her and helping to form how she grows into an adult. I was so excited when she started talking. She thought I was laughing at her.. That was a bit of a buzz-kill. But the joy was still there. :)

I'm so afraid that it will be five, seven years from now (maybe longer), and we will look each other up. That's five or seven years in our short lives on this Earth that we could have enjoyed together instead of doing some little dance. "This makes me uncomfortable. Stop" "Don't worry so much"
It's making her uncomfortable that I'm worried about, and in just in these short few days I feel like I'm walking on egg shells unsuccessfully trying to make her happy.

I want to enjoy time with her. To spend it relaxed, loosened up. I'm afraid that will become less and less of an option as time goes on, and that we will become more and more strangers.

I guess I should be expecting some sort of serious conversation from this very soon now. Probably just another "Don't do this, it makes me uncomfortable." Or maybe even an, "I can't do this." Sigh.

Too Much Stress

2008-06-20T02:12:00.003-04:00

Maybe I should start doing cardio exercise again.

Busy Busy Busy

2007-07-03T15:28:00.001-04:00

Oh my gosh. I've been so unrealistically busy lately.
Friday I went to waterford as usual and hung out with Alex, then went back to Alex's house with him.
He got this really cool new tripod. It can wrap around objects, because the three legs are flexible. Check out this picture that we took with it:

Then I stayed with Alex again on Saturday. We went and visited his cousin, and then his cousin came and hung out for a while. We swam and stuff, but we splashed so much water out that the floor around the pool was about two inches deep in water. We took the picture below when we went to drop him off.

Then comes Sunday. Me and Alex go to my Aunt's house to see all of my cousins again..
Alex wouldn't stop going on and on about how cute a few of them were.
So then we went outside and started shooting targets with dog training rounds. I shot the can farthest away! (That no one else could shoot)

Then me and Alex went to the tree swing on the back of the property.
Eventually two of my cousins came out and joined us.

Then Monday I went out to the beach and saw all of my cousins again. I got a really bad sunburn. Seriously, I'm like a crispy creme.

Then today, I'm going to be staying over at Alex's again. Before I came here, all of my cousins came over to my house. Look at them all..

Stuck

2008-06-11T03:07:00.003-04:00

Though I have been making progress in school, and made a huge amount tonight, I still feel like I'm stuck. Like I'm never going to get finished, or get any closer to going out and starting my life. It's really beginning to stress me out. I ended in Chemistry with an 89.23%, and might possibly be able to bump that to a 90% if my teacher will let me.. I'm up to an 89% in Latin, and have the final exams left. (2 of them for Latin)
I'm unsure of what I have in English, due to not having all of my assignments graded.. and still have a bit of work to do in precalc.

=(

College

2008-06-09T16:04:00.004-04:00

I have brought this topic up to a few people, and they just don't seem to understand. When I think about college, it makes me so depressed. Sure there are some happy parts to it, but what it gets down to is that pretty much everyone I care about will be going somewhere different. They have plans. I have no plan. Nothing is pulling me in any particular direction so I am left to choose what my family wants me to do. Some type of mechanical engineering. I don't really care what college I go to.. and no matter what I choose I will be getting torn away from some one I care about. It makes me want to just isolate myself and not get close to anyone. Because what is the point if we will just be separated? It doesn't really seem like there is any. I would rather not create a friendship if I'm just to be separated.

*UPDATE*
And now I'm grounded from any type of socialization or fun, I guess you would say, until I finish school.

The Defenses Are Up

2008-06-04T02:04:00.004-04:00

This...

2008-05-26T19:42:00.002-04:00

...makes me want to cry. (The one on the left, just for clarification.)

Pandora (Video#1)

Video#2 (Running some screen diagnostics)

=)

2008-05-19T18:21:00.006-04:00

I guess I will post a bit of an explanation about these.. The top one is taken by Erica, my girlfriend. =D
The bottom one is me trying out light writing.. I wrote the date that it became official, just so I would have some type of photo to look back and smile on. (She deleted the one I took before.. So this was my only other option)

And the one above, she took after my large amount of complaining due to her deleting the photo from my cell phone.

Yeah, I've been pretty beside myself since Sunday. =)

Birthday Meet-up

2008-04-27T21:52:00.007-04:00

An amazing day all in all.. =D

Also my most recent photoshop work.. I'm proud of it.

Composed with:
Base Image
Mountain Climber
Carrot
Parrot(Can't seem to find the source image for this one.. Sorry)
Parrot feet (Not particularly proud of the shadows here..)

Fun Friday! They Should Make This a Holiday!

2007-05-26T13:53:00.001-04:00

Then My grandmother came and picked me up, and we went to my grandfathers house to play cards with my uncle and his wife. So we all started playing cards, and it was really strange; my grandmother is normally cool, calm and collect, but she got unbelievably excited about the card game! Check the video.

Then, to top it all off, as soon as my grandmother dropped me back off at my house, my best friend Alex and his mom came and picked me up from my house. We each had a Malta, and then headed over to Alex's house, and I got to stay over!

2008-03-21T00:36:00.009-04:00

Photoshopping

2008-04-20T00:06:00.002-04:00

Everyone says that this is no good.. Practice makes perfect, I guess..

Doo-Dee-Doo

2008-04-18T00:09:00.000-04:00

So I'm 17 now... interesting..

Circus, and School

2008-04-15T01:43:00.004-04:00

I've been working nearly nonstop on school lately.. It's starting to get really old.
Sunday, I got to go to the circus. One of my friends invited me.
They had some pretty cool stuff, but considering that photography was prohibited, I only got a few photos.

And for some reason, I really don't have a good feeling tonight. Not sure why.. Just feel kinda down.
Bleh.

School Assignment..

2008-04-12T04:32:00.002-04:00

I got an assignment for school (English class) to create my own unique creature.. So I got a 20 minute break, I guess you would call it. This is my creature.. Which I cannot think of a name for.

Photoshop Request Finished..

2008-04-11T03:43:00.003-04:00

Per Someones Request...

2008-04-07T00:22:00.007-04:00

Here is the original photo:

Here is a low resolution edit of what I have so far:

Blegh Weekend

2008-03-08T22:12:00.004-05:00

I got to go to lake eola for about ten minutes today..
The following are product of that.

And then Photoshop....

And one more from the dentists office...

Downtown is the Coolest Place

2008-02-29T01:20:00.004-05:00

Photography:

And then some just for fun: